1. The first birth:
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My life was sealed at the moment of my conception. I was conceived as the 4th child out of 5 children.
My mother used every trick to get a miscarriage (belt, knitting needle, etc.)
She concealed everyone that she was pregnant with me. Clearly, I was an unwanted child.
When I was a 6-month-old belly habitant, my mother was home when the amniotic fluid did drop. She asked the neighbor to accompany her to the hospital, my dad, who then worked on the message to inquire the next day. When she was waiting in the hospital, the doctor called "come in baby mother" my mother said, "I'm not pregnant, I have a malignant tumor" ... that was me.
2. My second birth
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I was born. Right now, because it turned out that when my mother went in, I had no heart beat.
I was 1 kg and 36 cm high at birth, 2 weeks later I was 78 dkg. It's also bad to think about.
My mother went home from the hospital saying she had 3 more children. When she was notified of the hospital to go in for me, she didn't go.
Now imagine a 78 dkg baby who is nonsense, naughty, only doctors and nurses around him ...... I am already thinking in the thought.... imagine what a miracle it was I stayed alive since the medical science wasn't very much where it is now...
3.
My mother gave up so much that she hadn't gone to GYES, she didn't even take the family allowance for a long time. She took 3 days off at birth and went back to work afterwards. For a long time no one knew she had a 4th child.
4.
Meanwhile, in the family it turned out that there is a me.
My godmother was interested in me and my mother always said that everything was fine, I was developing well, etc. For some reason this was not believed by my godmother and she called the hospital where she learned the truth.
I was still in the hospital and she was told that they would take me to a baby home soon.
My godmother went in and asked them to let me stay there until she was ready to take me away.
The hospital had "raised me" until I was 4 month old.
5.
I was there from the age of 4 months to the age of 1. Photographs prove that I was raised with my cousin as if we were twins. At the age of 1, my mom (She also lived at my godmother’s house) came to me to tell me to give me back because they're my real parents. While Mama lived, she had regretted this decision. At the age of about one and a half, my godmother visited me and my mom asked her to look after me for a few days. It ended up to be half a year. She told me that I was in a terrible condition. Instead of diapers, there was a tricot of my dad that wasn't clean. The pops looked like the doctor was almost crying out of sight.
Meanwhile, a sister was born who was well-educated.
6. The first big blow, my third birth
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From the age of 2, my mothers were "educated" I found letters in which the kindergarten analysis can be read. I have regular beatings, I was undernourished, I didn't play with anyone.
We lived in a panel house where you can hear everything. The beats were heard.
I was 4 when my mother was beaten up very badly. At every beat she said in the door, I hit myself during the game. At the age of 4, there were strangulation marks on my neck, and then the kindergarten has taken me straight to the doctor and institute.
7. A little happiness in my childhood:
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The kindergarten regularly wrote to my parents that I was neglected, not playing with my peers. I was lonely and retreating.
Then, after the beating, they went to the kindergarten. When asked about what happened, they said I fell off the locker during the game. Well, such a fall leaves even strangling traces.......
I didn't go home that day; I was taken straight from the kindergarten to the institute. According to the educating parents, my spine was terribly dislocated and there was a brain envelope bleeding.
But this is nothing compared to what they did with my soul. I WAS TERRIFIED!! FROM EVERYTHING!!! My educating mother told me that when my educating father took off his belt, to undress
, I started crying and pissed myself so they won’t beat me.
My educated parents have been given me a new healthy lifestyle and I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started my first class there until...
My educating mother told me a case and said that if there was nobody else there, she didn't believe what had happened: one day they rang, she went out and I was sobbing and I was saying I didn't want to leave. They didn't understand why I said it, because it wasn't about it. It turned out that the postman brought a letter stating that I had to go back to my parents. Until today I do not understand WHY?!?! Supposedly because my father was a soldier and at that time he could not have a family background because he would have been fired ... if he was fired, he would have lost his apartment.
8.The Hell Begins:
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When I got back, my hellish life started. My educating parents were banned from me. She often looked through to me at the cemetery (close to us). They'd been dieting me when I was 7 years old, saying I'm fat. All my games and clothes have been taken away. I went to school stinking and scruffy, and I had no friends.
9.Beatings:
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My dad knew how to beat me up very badly. Often, I did not go to school because of this. He did beat me, stamp on me. He has brutally beaten me up with everything. Where with the strap, the foot of the chair, etc.? But He's "only" doing it 3x4x a week. If I got a bad note, if I stole (yes, I stole but about that, later) or if I cried because of the beating or it was. After a while, the beats had to be tolerated without tears to end soon. I learned to cry inside.
My mother was worse. She always hurt me. It was a lot of times that she has been beaten me up, but the small punches were constant. I was afraid to go with her, I was afraid to hear her footsteps. She always carved her fingernails into my arm. After a while, I didn't felt it anymore, I had never had time to heal the previous wound. When I went beside her, she always hit my head with somewhat. A ladle, a wooden spoon, even a knife once was in my shoulder. I always bled somewhere. When I was bigger I got tougher.
10.Stealing:
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A lot of times I didn't get to eat. It was my punishment. A lot of times I stole food from the fridge. I made a flour or bun crumb, put sugar and water in a mug, and I ate it. When I could eat it, I had a festive mood. I could never drink. One night I went out to the bathroom and drank from the tap, and my mother came after me and beat me because I steal the water. I can only laugh now. A lot of times I was told I’m a thief. Now I know it's wrong, but then I needed these thefts.
11. No parents:
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At the age of 9, I woke up to the consciousness that I had no parents. I thought my educating parents were real, because I got love and care from them and didn't understand why they left me. Why did they give me to the two people who I have to say to, dad and mum? I have been living in this consciousness ever since. I don't remember and I don't know what the love of a mother and father is.
12.Brothers:
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I have four brothers. I’ve got 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I lived my entire childhood as they were raising them against me. I sincerely regret them seeing everything how they treated me, they were very much hurt as well.
13. Sexual Harassment:
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I was a pretty early type. I have been a menstrual age since I was eleven, and since then my femininity has started to develop. And then the second part of hell began. To date, I don't forget how my dad came in and grabbed me. I was really scared. I didn't know anything because I wasn't enlightened. I did not understand why I bleed (even when I put the bloody clothes into my laundry) what happens to my body, why my father does it to me. At first he was just holding me, and then he had done everything with me. I was 12 years old when I lost my virginity. GOD !!! I was afraid of him, I was terrified !!! He always hurt me and started hitting my body. When I was bathing, I screamed myself everywhere, I wanted to remove my skin just to let the dirt come down. I couldn't tell anyone because my dad told me that he will kill me. I often opposed it, but then he became aggressive, choked me. It lasted until I was 16 years old. I once took the courage to report it. I called the police and told them, because there is no eye witness, I can't report it .....
14. My dad crashes:
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My father was usually upset if there was nobody at home. It was my mother sewing on the machine in our room, my father called me to the big room, closed the door and "acted". Well after that the others got home and he still called me, I don't think my mother doesn’t knew what my father was doing. My sister was once open to us. I was sleeping ...... One night of Christmas I slept and woke up that my dad took me down to the basement (I often woke up under my blanket. He laid it in the cellar, grabbed the number and ... My mother came down. I WAS THE ONE WITH THE MISTAKE!! MY FATHER TOLD THEM THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED I DID!! I even raped my own father he says... If I looked at a man or a boy or looked out the window, I was sure I was sleeping with everyone. I cried with a face, "I'm strong." I didn't cry because he had no one and where. He wasn't hurt because he was caring for me. I was nothing but the object they were doing what they wanted to do with. . Hate and feelings are extinct.
15th murder and suicide (4th and 5th birth):
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At the age of 13 I had very bad thought in my head. I wanted to kill my parents. Terrible, isn't it? My brother told my other brother, (maybe just a big one) how he could get cyan. Ever since I heard this, I was thinking every night of how I could get it. I thought about getting a little and putting it in the soup. I'm not going to eat, so I stay alive. Many nights I slept with these thoughts. Then one day I woke up so that I couldn't kill anyone, so I'll kill myself. I had no first class that day, so I removed 2 boxes of NOXYRON from the medication drawer (this was a strong sleeping pill that has been withdrawn from the market ever since). But if I would have did it, I would have died because nobody was home all day. In school, I was in the classroom and I took it all. It was so quick that I didn't remember anything. One such case was when I was 17 years old. I was born the second time again.
People! If a teenager attempts to commit suicide, it may not be a teenager's attention! In this case, you have to look a little at your surroundings. And it is not true if you fail, the attention is drawn!!! Not all serious suicides are successful.
16. School:
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I hated going to school. Not because of learning, but because of the teachers. Of course, I did not like my classmates, but it was already ancillary. When I moved to the other school in the first grade, my parent asked the teacher not to tell the kids I was in the institute. But unfortunately, she accidentally choked. I was the object of a very good riddle. They were already screaming because of everything. In addition, that teacher woman always tore my hair. Secondly, we became a new teacher. I never understood the behavior of teachers. Every day they called to the director's office to look at the beating marks. They knew about the beatings every day! WHY ARE THEY NOT ACTING? Recently, I asked this from my former class boss, and the answer was because they were afraid of their job .... Their job was more worth than a human life? While the children in the institute wanted to go to the family, I prayed every night to go to an institution.
At the age of about 9, I was called again to the directors and there was a journalist (Judit Cziráki) and a reporter (Attila Császár) and they told me that my godparents were sending them. They asked me how I lived, I could talk to my godparents on the phone, and it then stopped somehow. Well, they got me up pretty much! It turned out that the military also found out that my father was beating me and did not do anything.
17. Forgiveness:
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When I was able to forgive my parents, I was not yet a Christian, but the Lord was already working strongly and visibly in my life. I was 16 when sexual harassment stopped because my dad got away from home. As I wrote, I never considered them as my parents.
My father was actually put on the street then. To date, I can't explain why I was interested in my father's fate, but after a year I went to see him. It was a winter day and what I saw was terrible. He was hiding in an unheated summer kitchen. I knew him as an aggressive man, but then I saw a broken, losing, cold and starving man in it.
I didn't know what to do with this vision, but I know today that I did the right thing. I started to take him food as far as I got it, but I shared it with him and once I said when I was alone, come home and bring with yourself anything that was your clothes, blanket ... and the day came and I was alone at home and somebody knocked ... and I was afraid .... I let him in and while he was packed, I went up to my room, because the fear was still in me ... when he left, I went down to release him and then he turned to me at the door and when I saw that my heart split in half ... that aggressive man stood in front of me and cried ... I never forget his words: "you should hate me the most in the world and yet you are the only one to help" ..
18. I really want to die:
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I felt everything a lot, my soul was completely broken and I didn't see a way out and really wanted to give up. I wanted to die when I took medicine and cut my veins and cut it in a cellar where I thought I wouldn't find anyone.
I was in hospital for a long time, and I was 18 years old. I wrote a letter to my mother asking her to apologize if I caused her so much sadness. I didn't expect anything from Her, but mostly not what followed. My Brother came to the hospital, bothered everyone and told me who I was denied.
All the more I fell apart. In the meantime, my dad also went a long way in my head and became totally ill with what it might be with him, I didn't know how to help him, I became bulimic.
19. Until 21 years of age:
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A lot has happened.
I got out of the hospital with nothing out of the clothes I had.
I was thinking a lot about what to do. I stood on the street, no home or money, but I had no papers as well. It ran through my brain to jump in front of a train or go as a street girl. Thanks to the Lord, I have not become one. I only missed my health school for half a year; I thought I'd try to find it. I was working in a hospital as a nurse. I loved it. Since then, I had to start from zero, so I had more financial resources and two more jobs beside the hospital. When I pulled off the 12 o'clock in the hospital, I went to a private patient overnight and if I didn't work at any place, I went to take care of the baby. I managed to recover.
20. Great Break:
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I've been working in the hospital for 2 years now and I thought I was on the track now, but a big blow came.
I just went home to the nurse and the porter said my brother was on the phone. I was a little scared because I haven't heard their news once only since the hospital.
I called and he only said dad died. Then there was nothing in me, maybe I didn't catch it. I didn’t saw my father for at least 3 years, but it was always in me what could be with him because I was bulimia even at the age of 21. The next day I went to the classroom and called my mother to tell me why my dad died and when his funeral would be. The only answer to that was that I had nothing to do with it, and if I dare to go to the funeral, they would lay me beside hm. I've been working all day, all the time, I only worked in the hospital. I could hardly sleep at night. The next day I went to the class because I had to work, I went to the nurse, but no sound came out of me. I was always the smiling sister of the class, but then I stood trembling like a jelly and I felt my brain was paralyzed that I'm not myself. I got a nervous breakdown. It was so much that I became epilepsy.
I already know that this great disease had to be. One of the doctors in the hospital was very kind. He was the first to talk about my childhood.
21. Present:
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I've already grown up with Smile
What it was. These things are not really worn; I have learned to draw strength from bad things, to translate myself into myself.
I'm not saying it's all right now, but I'm trying to look ahead.
I have a child, who I raised up alone, lived in a sublet, we fought every day, but we do it with sincere love. My biggest dream is to have a small house or apartment because it's a constant uncertainty; I think it takes a lot of my soul. Our mailbox, bell, would have our name spelled out, and as a treasure, I would watch over our home. I'd make a lot of love; I'd make it home soon.